Why yes, our mayor is a delusional, self-promoting windbag!

No, not Henderson Mayor Jim Gibson. He seems like a decent, well-mannered, professional person. You know, an adult.

Of course, the headline refers to Las Vegas Mayor Oscar Goodman, who proves the old axiom: the bigger the village, the bigger the idiot. This week, hizzonorless has demanded an apology from none other than President Barack Obama (man, it's still fun typing that!) because according to the gin-soaked former mob lawyer, the Prez overstepped his boundaries when he suggested that companies that have received taxpayer bailout money should refrain from using that money to send senior executives on lavish junkets to Las Vegas.

President Obama's direct quote, from a town hall meeting in Elkart, Ind., reads as follows: "You can't go take a trip to Las Vegas or go down to the Super Bowl on the taxpayer's dime." Goodman, whose Bombay-addled brain distills every message down to a single question ("How does this affect meeeeeeeeeeeee?"), took the Obama quote as an attack on Las Vegas tourism in general.

He must have missed that whole "on the taxpayer's dime" thing, or else he's intentionally ignoring it because he knows that any publicity for the city is good publicity as long as they spell the name right. That's "Goodman" with two o's and no dignity.

And believe me, I know from undignified politicans. I come from a state that elected a former professional wrestler as governor. But Oscar Goodman makes Jesse Ventura look like Pierce Brosnan in the suave department. This is a guy, remember, who famously told an elementary school audience that his one indispensable, desert-island accoutrement would be a bottle of his beloved Bombay gin (stay classy, Oscar!).

His delusion was on grand display last summer when he proposed that the city build an 80,000-seat football stadium so Las Vegas could play host to the Super Bowl and be the permanent site of Monday Night Football. Putting aside the obvious gambling hurdle, why would an NFL owner agree to give up a Monday night home date and the financial windfall that accompanies a prime-time game, not to mention 1/8 of its home schedule?

Because it would be good for Las Vegas. I kid you not -- that's what he said. "Believe me, they need us more than we need them," Goodman said of the NFL.

That's right, Oscar. You and the showgirls keep on telling each other that the world needs Las Vegas more than Las Vegas needs the rest of the world. And watch the world keep on passing us by.

A simpler time

My youngest is a devotee of all things Scooby. I swear, if I could find a "What Would Scooby-Doo?" lunch box, she'd bring it to school every day. She went trick-or-treating dressed as Velma two years ago, and is planning on being Daphne this year. She's used "jinkees" in casual conversation. She's into it.

So on any given day you'll find about 35% of our DVR space taken up with Scooby-Doo episodes and movies. Not that I mind all that much. I loved the Mystery, Inc., gang when I was a kid too, so watching the old "Scooby-Doo, Where Are You?" reruns with her is kind of a kick for me. It's fun to relive some of the thrills and chills of my childhood, not to mention having a shared experience with Kid No. 2.

Sometimes, I even get a glimpse of a simpler time and realize how far we've come -- for good or ill -- as a society since the late 60s-early 70s. Today, for example, we were watching an episode described in the DirecTV guide as follows:

"The Harem-Scarum Sanitarium: The gang investigates a haunted mental asylum."

Ah yes ... because as we all know, mental illness is comedic gold, baby! I kept waiting for an appearance by McMurphy, Nurse Ratched, or The Chief, but all we got was this guy:

SI cover line FAIL

I'm a reasonably creative and sports-minded individual. I get puns, frequently use metaphors, and can crank out a simile like Bill Simmons cranks out podcasts. (See what I did there?)

But even for me, this SI cover line is an epic fail. If I have to take a full 60 seconds to figure out what "That's Six for the Sixth" means, I'm guessing the meaning sailed way over the heads of the average reader.

If you still haven't figured it out, "Six" refers to the touchdown, which is also known as "six" because it's worth six points. And that "six" gave the Steelers their sixth Super Bowl title.

Come on, SI. Don't make us work too hard. You're already about to get a flood of "cancel my subscription" mail with your upcoming swimsuit issue. Don't piss off a nation's worth of composition teachers too.

Aaron Francisco keeps Kurt Warner ouf of Canton

I've said it before, and I'll probably say it again every year -- the endless debates over who is worthy of induction to various sporting Halls of Fame drives me loco. Because the qualifications are 100 percent subjective, it makes for perfect talk-radio fodder, but all that noise and wasted breath is as meaningful as a breeze in the forest.

So last week, a theme developed among NFL talking heads -- some believed Kurt Warner was a lock for the Hall of Fame thanks to his three Super Bowl berths, two NFL MVP awards, one Super Bowl ring (with another one possible) and the fact that he took the Arizona Freakin' Cardinals to the big game.

Meanwhile, the anti- side of the debate said that Warner still had more to prove, and that he needed to beat the Steelers on Sunday to get into the Hall of Fame.

Fast-forward to Sunday, and Warner throws his third touchdown pass of the game to put the Cardinals on top 23-20 with just over two minutes remaining in the game. And as Warner watched from the sidelines, the Steelers launched a thrilling, captivating drive that culminated in Santonio Holmes' TD catch in the corner of the end zone, one step in front of Cardinals safety Aaron Francisco.

As you know, Warner's last-ditch attempt at rallying the Cardinals fell short, mainly because he had a mere 30 seconds to work with. So, Warner didn't win the game, meaning all those anti-Warner guys must still believe he's not worthy of the Hall of Fame. But if Francisco had been able to push Holmes out of bounds, or if Ben Roethlisberger had thrown an interception, or Heath Miller had fumbled, or a sinkhole had opened up at midfield and swallowed the Steelers whole, I guess Warner would be HOF-worthy? Even though he did nothing to affect the last drive?

This points out the silliness over these debates. You especially can't look at wins (for a quarterback or a pitcher in baseball) because those guys can only be judged on what they did to put their team in position to win. If your bats fall silent, or if your defense gives up a game-losing touchdown, you can't blame the quarterback or the pitcher.

But if Kurt Warner is never enshrined into the NFL Hall of Fame, I guess he can FedEx a box of dog doo to Aaron Francisco.

Back in the saddle

This week I took a big step. I successfully convinced the editors of the Las Vegas Weekly to accept the idea of a semi-regular sports column, penned by yours truly. This reminds me of the heyday of Channel 4000, when I wrote a weekly column -- unpaid -- for a full year before the parent company finally decided to bring me on-board full-time.

I won't have as much leeway with this column -- my topics will have to have some sort of local hook, which could entail just about anything since Las Vegas is such a national-interest city, so I'm not complaining, I'm just saying. Anyway, here's the debut:

"Las Vegas has a long and complicated history with the National Football League. In the realm of mutually beneficial yet often dysfunctional relationships of the last half-century, you have Bill and Hillary Clinton, John Lennon and Paul McCartney, Batman and the Joker, Terrell Owens and his ego and Las Vegas and the NFL."

Read more of "The NFL's Secret Lover" ...