Spend like a patriot

Before President George W. Bush leaves office, he has a chance to leave a true legacy this nation will remember far longer than Plamegate, Attorneygate, Torturegate, JeffGannongate or Bulgeinthebackofhisjacketgate.

He can officially make the day after Thanksgiving "National Shopping Day."

Maybe that name isn't strong or catchy enough. "Spend Like a Patriot Day" has a bit of a nationalistic ring to it. "Fight Terror at the Mall Day" might be taken too literally. "Shop 'Til We Drop the Terror Alert Level to Blue Day" probably won't fit on calendars but it's going down the right path, at least. With the Hollywood writers on strike, I'm sure the guys from "24" would be happy to put their pointy heads together and come up with something more pertinent.

Anyway, why should this Friday be Dubya's big day? Well, of course you recall that in the wake of the terrorist attacks of 9-11-01, instead of asking the country to pull together, make sacrifices and support the war effort (as this great country's citizens have done in wartime before), the President exhorted us to get out and spend until we're blue in the face. A strong economy, you see, is good for the country, or at least the country-club fundraisers that keep the Republican political machine well-oiled.

And what day could be more emblematic of our country's blind fealty to the Almighty Dollar than the day after Thanksgiving? I can't wait to tune into my local TV newscasts on Friday to see footage of crowds of crazed shoppers shoving through the doors at 6 a.m. to be the first to get their grubby paws on a bunch of cheap, plastic crap tainted with Chinese lead that's marked down seven percent from its usual ridiculous price.

Wait, did I say 6 a.m.? That's for pussies. I just saw an ad on the teevee telling me that Kohl's will be open at 4 a.m. Friday morning. That's right, four o-friggin-clock in the blessed a.m. How would you like to be one of the Kohl's employees who drew the short straw for that shift? "Sorry honey, we're going to have to settle for turkey bacon and savory stuffing omelets because I need to be in bed by halftime of the Lions game so I can get to work on time."

But that's just the kind of can-do spirit all of us U.S. Americans can be proud of. Don't we deserve an official holiday to commemorate our willingness to fight the terrorists at dawn in the K-Mart parking lot?

So let me be the first to wish you a happy National Shopping Day, Bush willing. Now get to bed. You've got to carpool with the Dunkin Donuts guy on Friday to get the bargains.