The curious case of Sean Avery

So, I'm having a hard time getting my head around this whole Sean Avery commotion. If you haven't heard, the NHL has suspended the notorious bad-boy -- now playing for the Dallas Stars, a team that should never have existed in the first place, not that I'm still bitter or anything -- because he made a somewhat crass reference to an opponent's girlfriend.

Seriously, that's how I would refer to it -- "somewhat crass." Not "libelous" or "hateful" or even "a disgustingly typical example of the decline of today's standards of decorum as demonstrated on a daily basis by young men between the ages of 21 and 30." Because I've heard worse. In fact, I hear worse every day.

Here's what Avery had to say to the assembled press corps at a pregame skate in Calgary on Monday:

"I'm really happy to be back in Calgary. I love Canada. I just want to comment on how it's become like a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my sloppy-seconds. I don't know what that's about, but enjoy the game tonight."

Umm ... OK ... Sure, Avery has dated a couple of starlet/model types who have gone on to date other NHL players. And sure, Avery is known as pretty much one of the bigger jerks in the game right now (just ask Martin Brodeur).

But seriously, people -- have we reached the point where we suspend players and crank up the outrage level to code-red when a professional athlete says something tacky or classless? His comments weren't racist. You could argue that they're borderline sexist, although I view them as primarily directed at the players in question, not at his exes.

The only way this approaches the level to which NHL commissioner Gary Bettman has taken it is if you know the "textbook" definition of sloppy seconds, as offered by Urban Dictionary (possibly NSFW, definitely NSF anybody who's easily offended). But the term has pretty much slipped into common usage to the degree that it has lost most of its original meaning and 99.4 percent of its shock value.

Bottom line: you just can't legislate classiness. Send him to the principal's office, give him a stern talking-to, lecture him on decorum all you want. But an indefinite suspension? That's like clearing out some cobwebs with a blowtorch.

Happy Leap Day

I won't get a chance to say this again for four years, so ... Happy Leap Day!

I'm pretty sure I've heard that one before

A friend and former colleague of mine often uses his blog to investigate and opine on the inanity of the corporate buzzword culture. His most recent "lang-alert" shines a cruel spotlight on the phrase "move-forward-basis" -- it's a must-read for those of you who cringe at overused business lingo or play buzzword bingo at staff meetings.

Of course, being a sports guy and language buff, I've noticed the same phenomenon going on for years in sports announcing. It seems to be especially rampant in football, which is the sport treated most like a business -- frequent meetings, special insider language, and overwhelming arrogance being the hallmarks of each.

So, here's the first of periodic entries discussing the cliches and buzzwords that drive me nuts during sports telecasts. Today, we're going to be treated to a rare three-for-one, in which the announcer hit a rare jargonized trifecta in one breath.

On Saturday, I was watching the last gasps of the Gophers' 1-11 season, a seven-point loss to the University of Wisconsin, televised on the Big Ten Network (my home being one of about 34 in the country to receive the startup channel). One of the announcers -- some clown named Chris Martin -- was analyzing a leaping grab by tight end Travis Beckum (amazingly avoiding the obvious "bend it like ..." pun, thank you very much), when he uttered the following gem:

"Beckum can (1) play with his hand on the ground, he can (2) make plays in space, and watch him (3) high-point this pass from Donovan."

OK, here's the translation: Beckum is sort of a hybrid between wide receiver and tight end, so Martin was trying to point out that he (1) can line up on the line of scrimmage as well as (2) gain yardage when he catches the ball with nobody around him, and that on this particular play he (3) caught the ball at the apex of his leap.

Wow. That's quite a mouthful. I think "in space" will merit an entry of its own somewhere down the road, but "hand on the ground" is one of those obnoxious terms the football-obsessed use when talking with each other. You hear it constantly in the month leading up to the NFL Draft. Basically, it's a more colorful way of saying a guy can play on the line -- either on offense or defense.

But using "high-point" as a verb? Bravo, Mr. Martin. I'm in awe of your talkability.