Confounding conference clashes coming

Now that I've 86ed the notion of continued football coverage (see previous post), I have to at least mention the upcoming conference championship games. I am completely flummoxed by the two games for similar and differing reasons.

In the NFC, I've clearly overlooked the Cardinals, but they wouldn't have won (as easily, at least) on Saturday had the Carolina Panthers not handed them the game in a flurry of interceptions, fumbles and unforced errors that might or might not have included quarterback Jake Delhomme soiling himself at midfield (I turned the game off early).

Meanwhile, the Eagles slipped into the playoffs on the last day of the season (with help from the Houston Texans and Oakland Raiders, of all teams), then drew the ideal first-round matchup against scatterarmed quarterback Tarvaris Jackson, scatterbrained head coach Brad Childress and the rest of the starcrossed Minnesota Vikings. A rematch with the Super Bowl champion Giants turned into a snoozefest on Sunday as Eli Manning threw more knuckleballs than a Niekro brother, leaving the Eagles as three-point road favorites this weekend in the desert.

Over in the AFC, the Ravens were "the team nobody wants to play" until the Titans exposed their vaunted defense on Saturday -- fast, shifty runners like Chris Johnson (or Willie Parker) can exploit aging veterans like Dancin' Ray Lewis, who hasn't made a play since the first Cheney Administration. But for three red-zone turnovers and an ankle injury that knocked Johnson out of the game in the second half, the Ravens would be crabbing on the Chesapeake this weekend, instead of preparing for the AFC Championship Game.

Their opponents are the Steelers, a five-point favorite on the strength of their being the only home team to win last week, not to mention a two-game sweep of the Ravens in the regular season. The Steelers have been underwhelming, especially on offense, much of the year, but they exploded for five touchdowns against an improved Chargers defense on Sunday. Their quarterback (lovingly called "Ben" by today's telejournalists) suffered a concussion in Week 17, and chances are the Ravens might find a way to make contact with his gourd once or twice this weekend. But Fast Willie Parker seems to be back at full speed, and as anybody who wasted a high fantasy draft pick on Parker this season could tell you, his legs should be plenty fresh. Their defense is still pretty wicked, and you have to think they'll make Joe Flacco look like the rookie quarterback that he is.

Guh. I have no idea where to go with these two games. Maybe I'd better give Smooth Jimmy Apollo a call.