Monday Morning Meltdown

Today, we unveil a new feature at What Happens In Henderson -- the Monday Morning Meltdown. Aside from the always popular alliteration, I wanted a clearinghouse for some of the random items that get stuck in my craw over the course of a week. And what could be a better way to start the week than with a turbo-charged, espresso-fueled, spit-flying, head-spinning rant?

This week's topic is the fallout from the ESPN roast of Mike Golic and Mike Greenberg. I know, it's a couple of weeks old, but it took awhile for my bile to overflow on this topic. But overflow it has, so buckle up and away we go...

First point: don't you actually have to have accomplished something in order to be the subject of a celebrity roast? I mean really, hosting an ESPN Radio morning show is enough to get you on the spit? That's the level to which we've sunk in the search for "celebrity" in our society? Who's next on the list to be roasted -- Star Jones? Bindi Irwin? Randy Jackson? Mark Schlereth? (Note to self: Don't give ESPN any ideas.)

But that brings us to a greater point -- this whole roast thing smacks of ESPN's desperation to make news, not just report it. The pinheads in Bristol are so enamored with themselves that to them, the idea of organizing a roast for their morning radio hosts seems perfectly natural. After all, these are the same people who invented cross-promotion, with the following "platforms" falling under their corporate umbrella: ESPN, ESPN2, ESPN Classic, ESPNU, ESPN News, ESPN Radio, ESPN the Magazine, ESPN Deportes, ESPN Zone (i.e. ESPN the Restaurant), ESPN.com, ESPN360, ESPN Books, and EXPN (action sports like the X-Games).

Think they're a little full of themselves? It reminds me a bit of when the local McDonald's franchise in my hometown started selling pizza. Of course, it didn't last, because they couldn't do pizza as well as a pizza place and still maintain focus on the burgers and the fries and the shamrock shakes. Find something that you do well and stick with it.

But the biggest thorn in my paw comes from the reaction to ESPN2 First Take host Dana Jacobsen's drunken performance on the dais as she roasted Mike and Mike. Apparently, Jacobsen had a bit too much to drink, then channeled her inner Jeffrey Ross and profanely attacked Golic's alma mater -- Notre Dame -- as well as the Catholic church in general and Jesus Himself in particular.

Oy.

But here's the deal. THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO AT A ROAST!!! If you're so afraid that one of your roasters is going to step over the line and say something offensive that might ruffle the feathers of one of your corporate overlords, then don't call it a roast! Call it "The Mike and Mike Celebrity Suck-a-thon Brought To You By Disney."

Look at it another way -- without Jacobsen crossing the line, you'd be left with two hours of jokes about how Golic is a fat, stupid cretin and Greenberg is an effete, mincing metrosexual. In other words, a live version of their show.

Predictably, Jacobsen was suspended for a week and returned to the air today with yet another apology (which might or might not have been accepted by the Catholic church, which might or might not be the topic for next Monday's meltdown). To their (slight) credit, ESPN did post a story about her suspension and her return on the front page of ESPN.com, so they're not entirely trying to sweep this under the rug. Then again, it could be another sign of the creeping megalomania that's taken hold in Bristol.

Either way, ESPN, learn from this. When you lie down with dogs, you might get fleas. And when you organize a roast for two of your quasicelebrities, your sponsors might get their toes stomped on. Deal with it, or get over yourself. Or both.